July 09, 2011

day one hundred.ninety


i was struck deep in the gut and deeper in the loins of my heart today being reminded of our son corban who was born two months ago. the deep sorrow crept up today as i drove to and from my in laws and the sun would strike me in a certain way. at a certain angle. with its intense caring warmth. i could feel the breath of god on my arm and face. imagining him holding my son. i am jealous i cannot see him. hear him. smell him. touch him. kiss him. whisper 'i love you' into his ear. the question 'why' ached out of my mouth today. why is this all happening? oh yeah. i believe in a god who probably won't answer that. instead i have to plead for help to just deal. the hospital bills are arriving and i am angered that we have to financially deal with this mess now. angry that our insurance company won't cover a certain procedure(s). angry that we have little time to pay these bills. angry that any of this even happened. dealing with losing a child is a tremendous type of pain. on top of that is the fear of literally paying for it. pain and fear. anger. frustration. anxiety. uncertainty. sorrow. i hate it. all.

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