May 07, 2011

day one


demise. that's the word they used to describe my son. who was in my womb. not breathing. my son was only sixteen weeks and four days old on thursday, may 5, when we learned of his...demise. no one, even me, wanted to use the word dead. that is too cruel and harsh and full of pain. how. why. god, dear god. what was it? what did i do? what didn't i do? i can never answer that. our heavenly father just took him home......without my consent. early this morning i was forced to go into labor and deliver my son. my beautiful tiny son. all ten toes. all ten fingers. all two ears. my baby boy. demise does not come close to describing that horrendous moment when i felt my son expel from my body. such pain and broken-ness, heartache but peace that it was...over. somehow i need to move on. somehow i need to wipe clean this tear soaked keyboard and continue to be the mother to our four year old. a wife. a daughter. a sister. a friend. the pain of moving on is tremendous. more so than a thousand labor pains.

"...when all of a sudden, i am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, i
and i realize just how beautiful you are, and how great your affections are for me.
and oh, how he loves us so, oh how He loves us, how He loves us all..." - john mark mcmillan

i love you son.


  1. I lost my son at 16 weeks two years ago last month. Please know that you are not alone and that life will somehow seem right again, it will always be different, but somehow you will find a way to see the joy and embrace the beauty of the short but meaningful life of your little one. know that I am here if you ever need to talk and know that you are loved and being covered in prayer my friend.

  2. Oh Kari, my heart is broken for you right now. I'm so, so sorry you all have to endure this tragedy. Praying for you...

  3. I am crying with you friend... I have lost two babies, not as far along as your little one was but the pain was just as real. I will be praying for your heart. You will be reunited with this son one day and for that moment I too look forward!

  4. Kari,
    I still shudder when I hear that word. Infant Demise... It makes me want to throw up and then cry all over again. I am so so sorry. I know how much you love your sweet boy.