May 25, 2011
day one hundred.forty.five
another day spent reliving what i was forced to live three weeks ago. my postpartum visit. why they make me return to where it all began only to sit and wait. and wait. and wait is beyond me. i'm trying so hard not to tear up in the waiting room. as soon as the nurse brings me in to the exam room i burst into tears. then i wait. and wait. and wait for my doctor. last time i saw her she was handing me corban, my baby boy. again my eyes relieve themselves of the torrent of tears welling up. so many things set me off and i'm not just sad. i'm angry. mad. frustrated. excited. anxious. to the nth power. my hormones are off balance making me off balance. i left the doctor's office learning my uterus is not what it should be. after another ultrasound i find myself talking to the scheduler of surgeries. a D&C. sounds so catchier than what it stands for. dilation and curettage. i don't know how i deeply feel about the procedure. but i do know it will be friday. another visit to the hospital. can this just all be over please?